


Ah, To Be Eternal

by Le_kunokimchi



Series: Prancing Around Insanity's Lot [6]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, BAMF Klaus Hargreeves, Character Study, Dark Klaus Hargreeves, Ghosts, Immortal Klaus Hargreeves, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Torture, Klaus Hargreeves Has Issues, Klaus Hargreeves-centric, Loss of Humanity, Other, Post-Canon, Pre-Canon, Season/Series 02 Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-28
Updated: 2020-10-28
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:29:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,403
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27241222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Le_kunokimchi/pseuds/Le_kunokimchi
Summary: The first time Klaus Hargreeves died, he lost his soul.Klaus realized a lot sooner than to his liking that he was a lot happier on the streets doing drugs with his nannying dead brother than he was any time after that.The second time Klaus Hargreeves died, he lost his heart.Klaus took note immediately upon his first breath sitting up that sympathy and kindness and love are overrated when the bad guys don’t ever consider those things.And the third time Klaus Hargreeves died, he lost his mind.Klaus stored away deep into his memories (never to be forgotten) that your family only cares about you when they don’t fear you.ORKill me once, shame on you; Kill me twice, thrice... you'll never see me the same again
Relationships: Klaus Hargreeves & Everyone
Series: Prancing Around Insanity's Lot [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1779967
Comments: 6
Kudos: 185





	Ah, To Be Eternal

**Author's Note:**

> This progressively gets darker. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Death wasn’t meant to be temporary. 

Fate seals you in a tomb of darkness (or light if you think you’ve been a good little flesh bag) with no whispering promise of your return. Death is cold, hollow, and  _ supposed  _ to be  _ lifeless _ . It is the end, it is the terminal; it is the point of no return and the threshold of a numb existence but no longer existing. It is a topic of grief and mourning, a topic of fear and sorrow, a topic of bitter acceptance because it is inescapable. 

Death is the final step over the cliff that you’ve been running towards the edge of since the moment you started to develop in your mother’s womb. 

Life wasn’t meant to be permanent.

Fate wraps you in a thin blanket of light (or darkness if you think you’ve been dealt an unfair hand) with a whispering promise of your demise. Life is warm, full, and  _ supposed  _ to be vivid. It is the beginning, it is the start; it is the point of ticking on the countdown and the threshold of an opportunistic existence even if you held barely a presence in the back of anyone’s mind. It is a topic of hope and joy, a topic of nerves and happiness, a topic of bitter acceptance but still entirely escapable. 

Life is a cliff that seems to go on forever, right into a stunning horizon of the prettiest of lies and falsest of dreams; and whether you’re ready to reach the brink or not doesn’t matter because all things must eventually come to an end. 

This was the order of things: an endless cycle of birth and death, living and dying, shining and fading. But as with every rule, there is an exception.

Something won’t always fit the mold because, despite the popular belief, life isn’t perfect. And in this case, it is not  _ something,  _ it is  _ someone _ .

And when you don’t fit the mold, when you don’t follow the natural order of things… there is always a cost even if you didn’t ask to be different, even if you wished more than anything to be  _ ordinary _ .

And possessing a dubious ability of  _ immortality  _ was, of course, no exception to this when  _ death _ and  _ eternal _ stopped being synonyms to one another.

We all lose something when we die: whether it be our heart, mind, or soul. 

More often than not, the medium witnesses all three vanish with what the person used to be, nothing but an empty cocoon left behind from their metamorphosis. 

But when you are faced with the ever knowing threat that you  _ will  _ return, one of these things is left behind each time you must hold your breath and dive back into the mucky, ominous water.

  
  


The first time Klaus Hargreeves died, he lost his soul. 

  
  


Death is meant to be permanent but to him, it was merely a permanent marker. It was an uncapped sharpie that crossed out his soul and kicked him back while the other two parts of his humanity remained. It wasn’t too bad of a piece to lose; sure, Klaus would prefer returning with  _ all  _ of him intact  _ thank you  _ but out of everything to go, he was glad it was the soul.

The soul, heart, and mind are three circles of your psyche overlapping each other in the middle. 

This one, in particular, meant peace; but that’s okay if he didn’t have it because he had never felt any sort of calm acceptance of his existence before. It was a cruel and harsh world out there, one he really wished he didn’t have to dwell in; at least, not with his powers. 

Where the soul overlapped with the heart was _prime._ But that’s also _okay,_ he doesn’t think that there really is a _best self_ he could show if he hasn’t already; Klaus never seemed to change or get any better. With the loss of one bad vice, he replaced it with another. If he wasn’t his prime self before then he knows there was probably no way he’d ever reach it. Which is completely _okay_ , it’s _fine_ , nobody ever expected much out of him anyways. 

Where the soul overlapped with the mind was  _ fulfillment.  _ There’s all that grand  _ potential  _ Daddy dearest liked to spoon-feed him with a molten hot, barbed-wire covered spoon. So what if he didn’t fulfill people’s expectations? So what if he didn’t fulfill his own? There is no use dwelling on the  _ what-ifs  _ and  _ maybes.  _ There is no use thinking about all that there was and all that there could have been. There is no use wishing for something that you can’t get back so he brushes it off and pushes forward; you learn to roll with the punches.

Unfortunately, though, the only bad thing about  _ temporarily  _ dying is that when you come back with one less piece of you, there is one thing you need that you’ll never get back.

Where all three circles overlapped was happiness. But that’s  _ okay _ , right? Happiness was just… overrated. He had vices to give him synthetic happiness. Fake happiness,  _ temporary  _ happiness is still some form of  _ happiness _ . And yeah, maybe it makes him feel a little hollow inside; maybe it makes him feel a little more likely to crack some dark-humored jokes or laugh painfully with tears springing to his eyes when another misfortune strikes him down. 

But it made sense. Only the beautiful and the perfect get nice things; and he was, by no means, beautiful or perfect.

Cracking your skull open on the club floor can open a door to many things; the one Klaus realized a lot sooner than to his liking was that he was a lot happier on the streets doing drugs with his nannying dead brother than he was any time after that. Maybe it’s the lack of a soul’s doing.

  
  


The second time Klaus Hargreeves died, he lost his heart.

Death is meant to be permanent but to him, it was merely a tattoo. It was an inky marking that blacked out his heart and kicked him back with his only remaining part of humanity. This was a dampening piece to lose but he didn’t see it as a complete loss; the heart meant love and the medium has learned early on that the more affection he harbors for an individual, the quicker they die. He has never been dealt a fair or lovely hand; his life has been anything but easy. By some stroke of sheer stupid luck, he has managed to love in the worst of times. He loved a soldier once; he died not once but twice. He loved a brother once; he technically died twice as well. The saying goes that it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all; he wouldn’t be so inclined to agree. Love brings pain and regret; love brings longing and grief. Love brings a lot of things that the medium would much rather avoid, much rather look the other way and keep walking towards life’s brink blissfully unaware of the true  _ suffering  _ that heartbreak entails. He didn’t need people to be him; he didn’t need  _ love _ to be him. Society is a dark and twisted place; the individuals that reside in it are even more fucked up. Fate writes a story that is not always easy to follow and if he no longer has a heart that could get attached and lose yet  _ another  _ precious part of  _ him  _ (not his life, a literal part of  _ him.  _ It kills him a little bit each time one of the lights guiding his path is snuffed out. Perhaps, he lost his heart a long time ago. Perhaps, his capacity for love disappeared when Dave’s future did) then maybe it wouldn’t be too bad. 

Where the heart overlapped with the mind was harmony. He didn’t think he needed it; he was a harbinger of chaos and proud of it. Nothing about his life spoke harmony: he has lived in worry, doubt, fear, and disappointment his entire existence. His relationship with his family was by no means harmonious either; he was doomed to forever be a solo act, never understood or favorited, and constantly putting on an encore of an all too familiar shit show.

Being impaled by a tentacle monster from your brother _but not really your brother_ can open a door to many things; the one Klaus took note of immediately upon his first breath sitting up is that sympathy and kindness and love are overrated when the bad guys don’t ever consider those things. What’s so bad about being a little selfish, a little _less_ merciful to those that have hurt him? Who needs love when the ones you cared for are already gone and this _imposter_ is standing in his place? His family can’t love this _thing_ ; he sure as hell doesn’t. So why did they look so distraught when the medium watched the man’s ghosts rip him apart with a wide, somewhat sadistic smile on his face? Maybe they should follow his _example_ if they truly loved a brother _they barely knew_ that much. 

  
  


And the third time Klaus Hargreeves died, he lost his mind.

  
  


Death is meant to be permanent but to him, it was merely a scar. It was a bone-deep carving that hollowed out his entirety and kicked him back with nothing more than a hollow shell. This should have been the scariest thing to lose; this should have been the part where he locks himself in a room for all eternity because he has got more than a few screws loose, he is  _ fully  _ unhinged from the wall of sanity that has kept him securely in place his entire life. But he thinks of it not as a loss, but merely an opportunity for freedom. He has never seen humanity so clear before; he has never felt so  _ alive.  _ The mind meant intelligence but he does not think he is stupid without it; he just sees things in a new light, a fresh perspective. Perhaps it wasn’t the smartest idea to jump on a man’s back in a club to protect a brother that doesn’t give a damn about him; perhaps it wasn’t the smartest idea to jump in front of the man with his brother’s face and yell “Wait!” as your other brother with homicidal tendencies was getting ready to eliminate the threat; perhaps it wasn’t the smartest idea to expect any less than the Not-Ben using their hesitation to his advantage and sending the Horrors out to throw the medium across the room; perhaps it wasn’t the smartest idea to march right out of the monochrome universe in a fit of fiery blue and kill him right in front of all their eyes before turning to Reginald and the rest of Sparrows only to ask politely,  _ “Anyone else?”  _ But, technically speaking, he still had his intelligence through all those times so maybe he was just a naturally stupid and impulsive person. Maybe homicidal tendencies ran in the family. Maybe the drugs and trauma and abuse and alcohol and  _ loss  _ (oh so much loss) had worn his mind down to nothing by a termite’s appetizer of dust and his intelligence has been gone for a  _ long _ time. Maybe his breaking point was meant to happen; it was only a matter of time.

Realizing that you have no peace or ambitions left to guide you, realizing you have no more love or empathy left to give, and getting awfully adventurous with the  _ extent  _ to your immortality can open a door to many things; the most significant one that Klaus stored away deep into his memories (never to be forgotten) was that your family only cares about you when they don’t  _ fear  _ you. The look of perturbation, disgust, and terror on their faces as he wonders  _ What would happen if I go bungee jumping with the cord around my neck  _ or  _ Is getting stabbed with a knife or shot with a gun more painful  _ or  _ Luther have you ever wrestled with an alligator, would you like to try  _ was an image Klaus wishes never to forget. Especially when he grins at their uneasiness and chuckles airily as Grace is the only one brave enough to hand him dinner. Especially when he waves at them sweetly through the small glass window on the reinforced steel door. Especially when lovely little Daddy doesn’t get any closer than the observation glass as he watches Klaus dislocate his shoulder to get out of the straightjacket each time Grace puts it on him, popping it right back into place with a shiver of  _ pleasure  _ because he could actually  _ feel  _ something. He doesn’t get much company these days but that’s  _ okay _ : he’ll get out soon and all hell will break loose because there is no part of his  _ humanity _ to stop him. And sure, he could cause an apocalypse at their betrayal (pull a Vanya as they call it), but what fun would killing  _ everyone  _ be if there’s no one left to entertain you afterward? He’ll keep it small, one at a time; let them fear him  _ as they always should have.  _

Death wasn’t meant to be temporary; but while Klaus can come back each time, the traits of death still remain true  _ within  _ him. Each time he resurfaced from the icy grips of the terminal, he was a little less whole, a little more broken. Pieces of him laid strewn in the afterlife: never to return, never to make him the same as he once was. 

He may be able to live on each time he reaches the threshold; but without one’s humanity, the aspects of life are lost. Is he even truly  _ alive  _ at this point? It doesn’t matter: he has no purpose, no one left to live or die for. He has himself. He has only ever needed himself. And they can try to leave him to a demising existence in this  _ chamber _ , they can try to kill him with every method in the Reginald Hargreeves book. 

But the thing about being the embodiment of death is that no matter what you are put through, no matter the struggles you face, no matter how many times fate tries to kill you, no matter how much humanity you may or may not have left inside… in the end, you are  _ eternal.  _

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Hm so... That ending, huh?
> 
> I kinda like the idea of an insane or evil Klaus tbh.


End file.
